Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
