Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
