My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
