Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
