I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
