You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
