hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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