I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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