For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
They have beer where we have blood.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
