one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
