my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
