the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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