I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD