I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
