you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
