Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
