Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
