God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
