My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
