we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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