i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
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Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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