You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
