Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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