He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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