I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
