what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
