I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
