i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
