Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
