My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
