dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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