Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
