my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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