I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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