Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
