She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
