omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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