So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
