it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
