Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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