I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
