literally had 100 drinks last night.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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