Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
