Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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