Just fell off a train. Bad.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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