Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
