Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize