I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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