I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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