Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
