are you still at the devil's house?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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