i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize