it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
