I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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