just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Randomize
